Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Longest Day

... so far.

One year ago today my life changed in a way that I never saw coming, and never thought could happen. On February 17th 2009, my dear husband Klaus woke up freezing cold and convulsing. The emergency crew arrived within minutes and took him to the hospital. I arrived a few minutes later to the news that my husband was going to die.

But Klaus was a tiger, and through the next 12 days he surprised everyone at the hospital - and around the world - with his determination, strength, and the overwhelming amount of love that poured his way. Although he could not communicate at all during that time, I know that he knew that I was there, that people (and dogs and cats) all over the world were pulling for him, and that his loyal dog Bogart would manage to charm his way into the ICU. The only real reactions he had were early on when I asked him for a kiss (I swear that his lips moved around his ventilator tube) and when Bogart visited and would kiss his hand. Not much - but priceless.

Anniversaries, special dates, holidays have hit me hard this past year. Understandable. But today has really torn me apart, remembering the day that this all started. They are memories that I treasure because they are of Klaus, yet they are absolutely horrible because of the outcome. Lots more crying than usual. The first day I really broke down at work and had to leave.

Anyone who says this gets easier as time goes by is full of shit (uh, I mean poop). At the beginning my brain was kind and anaesthesized me - everything hurt, but the pain was dull. Now some days it feels like getting a full-on root canal with no novocaine.

I WANT MY ANAESTHESIA BACK, PLEASE

I truly don't know what I would do without Bogart and the kitties. They are truly the best medicine. This has been a year full of challenges, hardships, and all-out pain, but between the social interaction that Bogart forces me to have and the at-home forced cuddling that the kitties do (there is always someone on my lap or calculating a way into my lap) they keep me alive. Whether I like it or not.

Did I mention that I'd like my anaesthetic back?

Love,

Lulu

23 comments:

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Dear Lulu, Words can not express the sadness I carry for your pain and loss.We are thankful that Bogart and the kittys demand that you stick with us.We love you.
Smooches,
Cassie and the pooches

esrose said...

We send our deepest best wishes and good thoughts at this very difficult time for you guys. Sharing it has to be good for you. Give your Mama lots of kisses Bogart.

Booker, John and Earl

animal lover, quilt lover said...

Sweetheart we wish for you another year that is better then this last one. You are going through the toughest thing that you will ever have to go through in your life. The toughest thing anyone ever gos through!!!! You ARE doing it, one day at a time.
I am so sorry for your loss!!!!!!!!!
Hang in there, Fern

Stoodleville said...

I almost lost my beloved on June 8th and I have still not recovered from what my Doctor says in post-tramatic stress. But while we have been 1,000 miles apart since, we are still *together* and I can not begin to fathom your loss. My heart has ached for you this past year and I understand the devastation if not the actuality of your loss.

Be well Lulu, and know that we are still pulling for you and think of you often. Bad days are understandable given the depth of emotion and commitment in your relationship.

This isn't what I want to say, but words just can't express how mourn for your loss.

Randi said...

Dear Lulu....

I just wish I had a magic wand...to twirl it around & bring back Feb. 16, 2009 - forever...

We think of you often...Bogart's art card sits by Randi's dining table & I see it everyday & think of you all...

Sending you lots of Love & healing vibes today & always....

Much love,
Randi's mom, Angela

Mango said...

Oh Lulu! What an awful year it has been for you. Your sudden loss of your Klaus is unimaginable. We are all sending our love your way. Yes, thank goodness for Bogart and the kitties to keep you going. I use my little picture of Bogart and Klaus as a bookmark and try to send you thoughts every time I see it. Life goes on whether we want it to or not. There are not words.

Mango Momma

Dawn said...

So so sorry Lulu! Having experienced something like the loss you and Bogart and the kitties have endured I know that this first year seemed to take forever and yet at the same time it went by in an instant. The first anniversary is always so difficult. You're allowed to cry and leave work and beat the walls if you need to. Bogart and the kitties will always love you no matter what. And we out here in the blogger world will always care and wish we had more to give you. I promise (it's been 5 years for me) that it will get better, it will never be OK, but it will get better. Not this year, and maybe not the next one. But someday, sometime in the future it will not be quite so painful and it will not consume you and you will be able to breath without the jagged glass in your lungs and eyes and throat. I promise.

Morgan in Pittsburgh said...

We are thinking of you Lulu.
Morgan, Maisie & mom

Maggie and Mitch said...

You are in our thoughts and prayers, Lulu. Take good care of your mama and give her a kiss for us, Bogie!

Love ya lots
Maggie and Mitch

Opy - the Original GruffPuppy said...

Lulu,

I have no words - just love and hugs to send you :(

You are in our thoughts and hearts.

Love

Brooke & greg

Deetz said...

your right, they are full of shit...my mom said it was okay this time to say shit, that sometimes potty words are just called for. We love you and are always in our hearts and thoughts and wishing you some pain relief.
Deetzy

MTWaggin said...

My tears join yours today and everyday. You will discover that this year will start the healing. Truly and you must believe it. You will never quit hurting totally but those are reminders that we've not forgotten. I found your pose really timely as I'm suffering some of the same, this time of year is hard for me as it is the time of year I lost my Dad (21 years ago mind you) and last week lost 2 beloved dogs. Grieving is good, numbness is not. Grieving is the opposite of joy and both mean you have heart and soul, which I can tell you do have from your posts.

Anonymous said...

You're right - it never get "better" or "easier". 10 years later I can say it gets different.

Hang on, it will get different...

Ruby Bleu said...

Oh Lulu...I can't even imagine. Just know that we are all here for you. Ruby sends lots and lots of licks and I'm sending hugs!

Michele & Ruby

The Airechicks said...

Lulu:

You're a member of a club you NEVER wanted to join -

Try to get some sleep - being numb is sometimes a good thing -

I know you miss who you were before but am THANKFUL for Bogart & the Kit Kats - unconditional love makes everything a little easier to face some days.

Holding you guys tight...

LUV YOU!

XXoooXoooXXoo

Joe Stains said...

sending lots of hugs to you and bogie.

Shmoo said...

I wish I could cover you in husky love fluff to comfort you and soften the blow of your loss.

Meeshka

ScrapsofMe said...

Sending soft woofie kisses to you and the oh so handsome Bogart. Can't sent kisses to the kitties cuz i wanna chase em instead!
sniffies,
Bonnie

Scottie the 'Cutie' said...

I'm sending some wet kisses to you too...we're thinking of you! Keep holding on =)

Scottie & Audrey

Lenny said...

We are glad that Bogart is in your life to comfort you and that he is in our life as well!
The picture of Bogart and Klaus is on our refrigerator so you are in our thoughts often.

Lenny and mom Kelley

Anonymous said...

Nothing profound to say...just know that you, Bogie, and the kitties are in our thoughts. We will continue to send loving vibes your way.

Miss Kitty and her Two-Legged One

Sunny,Scooter,Shamus&Jamie said...

Again you say the things that go through my head about the ordeals. Your husband, my mom totally different relationships but we slogged through that together for the most part>
Jan 12 started ,Jan 24 the 1st code. yep if you find that anesthetic, send me some, k?
Hugs
Jamie

Chloe and Libby said...

Lulu,
It's been a year,and I'm sure the pain still feels like it was just yesterday. I can only imagine all the tears you've shed and all the sadness you have dealt with. It is so great that you have Bogart and the kitties to keep you moving on. I had quite a scare with my hubby just about 2 weeks ago, life is so unpredictable. I'm so glad to know from your blogs you guys lived life to the fullest, and now you have those memories to play over and over to always keep him near.
My thoughts are with you and hugs sent your way,
Libby