Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Missing the Klaus-meister

Lulu here.  Today is 2 years since Klaus passed away.  A day that I haven't really prepared myself for, no matter how much I think about it.  A day that I'm not ready for, no matter how much I planned to be.  A day, if I'm honest, I never thought I would be here to see. 

Each anniversary that goes by twists the knife that's in my heart, but these hurt the most because they are a reminder of only a bad thing (the day we lost him) rather than good things (our wedding anniversary, his birthday).
Having to be both mama and dad to Bogart and the kitties is hard.  Having to figure out who the hell I am now is hard.  And my normal MO is to not make things particularly easy for myself, so there is the extra heaping helping of self-torture that goes on.  I hate being a part of the widow club - nothing against the other members, of course - it's just the crappiest club around.  And adding it to my resume doesn't exactly bring up my score on the sweetness scale.  

I'm a tough nut with a marshmallow coating and don't forget the frosting and sprinkles, but I confess that making it this far wasn't a part of my plan.  I literally owe my existence to my bestest friends - Bogart, Sekhmet, Aeon, Behemoth, Kafka and Willie - without their love, discipline, and general all-around awesomeness I would have been floating around the Willamette years ago as fish food (yep, that was the plan - convoluted but I thought it had the best chance of effectiveness with the least amount of pain and chance of messing it up).

In the past two years I've learned a lot of things.  I've lost a lot of things.  I don't think I've gained a lot, but I suppose it's more about laying a foundation before you build a house, eh?  So I'm laying the concrete slabs in hopes that plans work out and I can get the electricity and running water sorted at a later date.  Raising funds for future development, well, hell yeah.  Maybe even decorating at some point.  I do wish that I had some architectural drawings for fear of letting my imagination run too wild and designing an Addams family life/home rather than somethingmore practical and typical, but I suppose when thinking of something typically Lulu the Addams family does indeed come to mind.

Last year I decided that the anniversary of Klaus' passing would be a birthday for me each year.  Not to celebrate, but to remember that not only did he die but our lives together did and thusly so did I.  A whole language between us is gone, my identity crushed into little pieces.  I am distinctly not the same person I was two years ago, in many good and bad ways.  So it makes a kind of sense to turn back the numbers (partially because I'm not thrilled at how high my actual age is these days!) and start the counting anew.

Moving to the east coast has been tremendous for us, and Philadelphia has turned into a fantastic place to both nurse our wounds and venture out.  Much of my life has been spent moving long distances in search of "something" so I cannot say that this will be the place we put down roots, but for now it's "just right".

So tonight, on my birthday, a little of the old and the new - a beer for Klaus and some frosting for me, special treats for Bogart and the kitties.  

We all miss you, big guy.



Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Thank you,dear Lulu,for not feeding the fish in the Willamette. Good 2nd birthday to you. I'll lift a glass of scotch for your Klaus tonight and give both pooches treats you. You deserve happiness...That's what we wish for you.
Cassie,BabyRocketDog & Hootie

Amber-Mae said...

Klaus must have been a GREAT dog to you. Happy Birthday to you.

Bocci said...

We'll raise a drink to Klaus and send all good thoughts your way today-both Parental Unit and I wish you bright days to come. And so glad that your move to Philly has been a good one!

Asta said...

I so understand. At least I think I do, not having gone through the ultimate loss, but coming close to it with George. I think Asta would be the only one keeping me going for any time at all.
I think you have the strength and are amazing, so i know you can build that new house in your heart,no matter how hard. Your bestest friends - Bogart, Sekhmet, Aeon, Behemoth, Kafka and Willie
will always pull you through and I hope you know that even though we only know you from a distance, we are also there to celebrate you and your life and your rebirth.
We will never forget Karl, somehow we felt we knew him too. so we raise a glass to all of you
Asta sends her smoochie kisses
love Ami, George and Asta

Wyatt said...

Lulu and Bogart,
We think about you guys all the time, as we stroll and drive through Portland. We say, "Oh there is the park that Bogart always went to." Or "There is where Bogart and Lulu ate bagels!"

We are happy that Philly is working out for you both. We will raise a pint to Klaus tonight and Happy Birthday to you Lulu...you never looked a day over 29 :)

Your Pals,
Sue, Paul, Wyatt and Stanzie

K9friend said...

I'm glad you're working through the pain and grief of loss. It sure isn't an easy path, is it?
Thinking of you...
If I read your post correctly, today's your birthday. May it be one filled with peace and hope.


Maggie and Mitch said...

We're sending you one huge hug, Lulu.
Happy birthday to you!

Love ya lots
Sue, Maggie and Mitch

Khyra And Sometimes Her Mom said...

We've got a candle lit for our Golden furiend Lady who made her journey this afternoon -

The glass is out
The wine has been selected

When it has been poured, I'll raise a glass to the West for Lady and then East for you -

Maybe I'll even let some Khyra floof fly - it's only a 100 or so miles - look for it in the morning!

Khyra and Phyll

Anonymous said...

Dear Lulu,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about losing Klaus. Keep doing what you're doing - being human.


Miss Kitty and her Two-Legged One

esrose said...

I started reading your blog just after Klaus passed and have followed your courageous (and funny and loving) journey since then--the spiritual one and the cross country one. My man and I are both older and know that one of us will be left (unless of course, we get hit by an asteroid).

We look for powers of example with others who have gone on alone. It is pretty clear to me that an Airedale (and company) can sure make a big difference in every respect. I love the pictures of you and your "Bogie" in this post.

Best Wishes

Earl, John and Booker T.

Chloe and Libby said...

I was reading before you lost your beloved Klaus, and I will always read of yours and Bogarts adventures. I go and come in my blogging, but you are always a steadfast blogger, who I love to read about. I'm so glad you are still with us, even though I can imagine the desire to be likewise. Thank you for staying for Bogart, for the rest of your animals and for us who treasure our readings of your life.

Loved the pictures!

Dawn said...

I've read you too, before and after...and have huge respect for what you have accomplished in spite of the pain. I'm happy you're not fish food too...I don't comment much but I do think about you and Bogart frequently.
Hugs to you both. And the kitties too.

A. said...
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Randi said...
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Randi said...

Sending you love & comfort..

we will be looking to the skies to remember Klaus...

Much love,
Randi & Quincy & their mom

Natasha Fernz said...

Lulu and Bogart,

Our thoughts are with you always...

And we admire you for being so brave in such a harsh reality...

Natasha, Cleo & Co.