Monday, June 01, 2009

I Can See Clearly Now

Well... no.

Today marks 3 months since Klaus passed away. Annoying that it is the same day that I have to write a rent check. Sad because, well, it's just very sad.

I have an odd quirk. Ok, I have many odd quirks. But this one seems to live deep inside me, because I pull it out on a regular basis. When things get tough, I go blurry. I am nearsighted - enough to be able to make out shapes and have my brain fill in the details - without correction. I enjoy this semi-dreamlike state of being able to function without sharp focus. It allows much of the world to drift by without drawing my attention while still allowing me to keep one foot on the ground and not step off a cliff. In an odd way it allows higher function - because it filters out all of the unimportant details to focus on only the important bits, which are usually only the survival ones. Pictures of Klaus in my head stay razor sharp, while the banal images of everyday lose color and become unintelligible. And I like this.

I put on my glasses when I drive - which is rarer and rarer these days - but otherwise I have allowed myself to roam, uncorrected, through my days and nights for these last 3 months through a city that I am still - even after one year - unfamiliar with and slightly wary of.

It is easy to recognize smiles - that is a daily occurrence when you are walking a dog as adorable as Bogart. Other facial expressions always confuse me. I have literally run into people that I know without so much as a whisper of recognition. I have gotten lost. Not terrifically so, but in the way that you forget where you are going so you don't know where you are. A few moments staring at a street sign, allowing the data to sink in, usually does the trick.

I think this is also one of the reasons that I focus more (and truly enjoy) talking to friends on the phone rather than interacting with people in the flesh. I can see you in my minds eye in a clear, deep way. Much clearer than if you were standing a few feet away.

I apologize to any and all reading this who have been wondering why I cannot seem to get it together to actually meet. I've just made an appointment to visit the eye doctor for an exam - and most likely, new contact lenses and/or glasses. And then I will go back to seeing things clearly. Or will I...


Lulu & Bogart


Cassie said...

Nicely put. In the early days of Saturday Night Live Jill Clayburg was the guest & she & John Belucci did a bit where they were seat mates on an airplane and he talked about how the world was just a blur to him.And what a dissapointment Paris was. Just a blur, etc. I too was (VERY) nearsighted so got a real kick out of that bit. The punch line was that he needed glasses. I agree with you, sosmetimes there is comfort in the blur. x-c.

Southbay Girl said...

Lulu, I am so very glad you have Bogart in your life!

Penny and Velcro

Ruby said...

I too am nearsighted and like you, rather enjoy the blur. I had never thought about it much - so it was interesting to hear how you felt about it. Glad that you use glasses for driving!

Bogart is adorable and I bet he's a wonderful companion as you explore your new city.

Kay and Ruby

Rocky Creek Scotties and Java said...

You must know that Klaus would want you to take care of yourself - and Bogart needs you. Please be careful


Finni said...

Yes ... our Mum walks past people she knows all the time ... and she is far sighted! She is in a little world of her own .....
So long as you don't forget to feed Bogie and yourself all is ok.

Finni xx

Martha Basset said...

As you say the important things are in sharp focus.......
take care xxx

Deetz said...

You have such a way with words.
When my mum's mum passed away several years ago, she said life roared by and she just focused on her feet....I never understood that when she explained Gizmo passing away to me....but, now, I understand. I think its okay to be blurry, you can see much more clearer that way.
Your friend

BCxFour said...

I know that blurry feeling well and have used it to get me through many a difficult time (I have complex PTSD).

I have found though - the blurriness is actually stress induced deep depression sneaking its wiley way through my brain and effecting every aspect of my life. The blur is the easiest way to dull the edges of all the changes in my life - making the pain just a little less sharp. It is insidious and unassuming as it slowly overtakes your life. Small things are challenging, meeting new people out of the question, daily routine and exercise is a rock to cling to. A good therapist & meds were my savior.

At three months you are still weaving your way through the grief process - please take care of yourself. Each day will be a little bit better.


Libby said...

Lulu, I just recently started reading your blog, so I don't know the story behind Klaus' passing.
I would like to let you know however, that I am very happy you have Bogart in your life to help you cope. 3 months is not a very long time sweetie, and hopefully with each day, it will ease the pain a bit. You are still grieving, and you are allowed to look at the world any way you want.
Hope you and Bogart have a cuddle this evening.

Lorenza said...

Hi, Lulu!
You said it right. The important images are clear in your mind!
Take care
Kisses and hugs

Moco said...

3 months after losing the love of your life is not long enough for life not to be blurry. Life may always be a little blurry no matter how much time has lapsed. Please get new glasses so that you can be safer on the streets on Portland.

Stanley said...


Tell you mama we took her advice - no dirty water hot dogs for either one of us in NYC. We really had ourselves a blast and wish you and your mama could have joined us. We found that we (well, rather I) was quite the attraction on the streets of the West Village.

Sounds to me like your mama needs to cut herself a little slack, man. Three months is barely enough time to let the reality sink in, let alone get your act together. If she has trouble computing this, please feel free to kick her in the booty for emphasis.

Glad to hear she's getting her eyes checked. We don't want her taking a wrong turn while walking you (or is it YOU who walks HER?)!

Goober love & smooches,

Molly and Taffy said...

Our hooman is myopic, it is so embarassing sometimes when she doesn't have her contacts in.

Bogart it is good you can lead the way for your Ma.

Molly and Taffy

Asta said...

Mommi laughed wif wecognition when she wead this. she couldn't have put it so eloquently, but she has the same pwoblem-ow view.
She is vewy neaw sighted and kind of likes the wowld all fuzzy. She wawely has to dwive so it's not an issoo. I think she only weaws glasses to hide behind.

I know you'll pwotect hew Bogie fwom any bad places she wandews into
love and smoochie kisses

pee ess..It was so wondewful expewiencing walking wif an aiwekid when Stanny was hewe..we loved it