Saturday, March 28, 2009

What a Week it Was

The week has gone by so fast, tomorrow is one week since my big move. I have visited our old house every day in order to clean it out, and so Bogart could have his runs in the old backyard. It's a really odd thing to drive out there every day, to the house that Klaus and I hoped would represent our future, to empty and clean it. And I really hate the act of cleaning a house that I'm moving out of. I always wonder exactly how things got so dirty...

Our new place is nice, just odd. We live in the Pearl District now, sort of the trendy gallery-and-boutique area, and of course we are no longer in a house but a building. As the boxes slowly disappear I've realized that the space should indeed be enough for my whole furry and fuzzy family. Klaus now has his own spot next to my bed with a framed photo next to him, which makes me so sad yet happy that he's next to me.

My days are full of questions and decisions, and I made one clear decision today - to allow my large gauged ears to close so that I can wear Klaus' nipple rings in my ears. Sounds like a silly little thing, but it's really huge for me. The cremation folks properly removed them so that I can wear them - apparently not an odd request for them, but I'm happy that it was done well. I spent years slowly stretching my earlobes and taking care that they stay supple, so to allow them to close a bit is just another process. I have them in now and it feels awesome.

Not only do I mourn for Klaus but I also mourn for myself - my life as I knew it died alongside him. Obviously, I have had to move and downsize my life considerably. But all of the little things, from picking a place to eat to sharing a laugh over an inside joke, or even just having someone to constantly talk to are gone, and that silence is deafening. Whenever I do have the opportunity to talk to someone my voice cracks and I have to fight off the tears.

Klaus was my best friend, my husband, my lover, and my constant companion. That's impossible to replace. I'm just stumbling around now, trying to get through each minute.



PS - an amazing package arrived that I understand a lot of you sneaky, wonderful folks may have had a hand in. Tomorrow I'm going to photograph and tell you all about it. Yes it made me cry for about an hour - but in a really, really good way.


Khyra The Siberian Husky said...



So many of us have been waiting fur THAT moment!

PeeEssWoo: My mom soooo understands the feelings woo are enkhountering...too well...

♥玮倩 said...

o.O will be coming again tml for your update!

do take lots of cares!

best regards

Faya said...

You are so courageous Lulu. I realy hope that life will smile at you again. We are thinking of you every day.
Kisses, Faya & Dyos & Véronique


it's hard, but life just have to carry on...and Klaus is out there watching you pulling yrself together and he is admiring the way u handle it, take care.

Joe Stains said...

We are still sending you all the strength and hugs in the world. We cannot imagine what you are feeling, but Mom has lost both her Mom and Dad early in her life and knows that feeling of, what do I do now?? It is scary, but can be empowering too. We are so so so excited you got that special package.

BenTheRotti said...

Lulu & Bogart,

I'm lost for words, I wish I had the words to take away a little of the pain. We areso happy to hear you got your parcel, we hope it brought a smile to your face through the tears. None of us can fill the huge gap that Klaus has left, not even all of us collectively, but we hope that us being here for the journey with you helps a little,

love and tailwags,

Ben, Millie and family xxxxxxxxx

Maggie and Mitch said...

Not a day goes by that we don't think of you, Miss Lulu!
We'll be back to hear all about your package!

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

Martha Basset said...

Hi Lulu
You are doing great, just keep taking a one step at a time.
The emptiness and pain can be overwhelming in the weeks and months following a bereavement.
We all wish we could take your pain away but unfortunately none of us can do that.
We hope it helps that so many of us care.
Love to Bogart and your kitties too

Noah the Airedale said...

You sound pretty brave to us Lulu. You had the strength to pack up, move and even clean a house full of memories. We think you are one strong lady.

Glad the package arrived safely. We look forward to seeing the pics.

Noah Willow Tess Lucy & pinkies
ps. Hugs to you and Bogie x

Staci said...

Hello there!

We are glad your move went well.

It is so difficult to move, leaving memories behind. But they will remain with you forever.

We can't wait to see your new home and the wonderful gift that you have received.

We hope it brightened your day!

Lots of Luv & Kisses
Addie and Lucie

Raising Addie said...

Silly mom posted on the wrong account!

Lots of Luv & kisses
Addie and Lucie

pughy said...

Oh you got the surprise We ave all been waiting for it to arrive and hope it will cheer you a little.

Mum leaked a lot at your words about your life now and said she can only imagine your huge pain and sorrow. Please take a little comfort from your many friends.

Hugs J and his mum Carol xx

Mango said...

Hee hee. I know what is in the package, but the Mango can keep a secret. We're glad you and your mama found a nice place to live. Miss your fuzzy butt.


Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

We were happy to read your post this morning...happy and sad, just like you.

Teri says she knows just what that stumbling feels like. She said she felt like flotsam after a tidal wave hits.

Teri has Mike's ashes in a pretty cat urn, on a fern stand on the stair landing going upstairs and she sees it and touches it many times a day, but always before heading up to bed...where we all miss Mike's snuggling :(

Teri wears some of Mikes earrings and just like wearing his sweaters (she calls them boyfriend sweaters cuz they are so big on her) lets her feel close to Mike. So we are glad you have those nipple rings and that is a comfort to you now.

Oh, Teri knows the Pearl with all the cute shops and places to eat. Teri still doesn't like eating by herself and she doesn't have a doggie to accompany her, so you and Bogart are there for each other and Klaus would be happy for that constant in your life right now.

The Airechicks said...

Hey Lulu & Bogart & Kitties:

Glad you've got the move behind you.

We do understand how your life can change upon chance and in a instant; and that you were not looking for a change and don't want it and you find out you weren't ready for it either. And you'll miss the person you were before something fierce and at time wish you could go back.

But you'll understand this is the way it has to be today, learn your trigger's and just cry don't hold it in.

Can't wait to hear of your package.

Take care hold tight we love you guys.


Pipa said...

I'm so lost for words. You are so courageous, Lulu.
I wish I could writte in english good enough to warm your soul, but I can't... and even if I could, is there a way of taking away all that pain? I don't think so. Only you know how huge it is, how unfair it is and how alone you must be feeling know. So, I don't think i could say something helpful. I just can say that we all admire you so much and that we are all here. In our own bloggie-doggie way, but here.

And I wish I came to this blog sooner. I'm so sorry.



Lorenza said...

Hi, Lulu!
We all understand things are not easy for you.
One day at a time.
I can't wait to see the pictures of the big package!
Kisses and hugs

Asta said...

I'm glad all the yucky cleaning is ovew and you can stawt building a home instead. The wings in youw eaws will be wondewful, a constant tangible pwesence. I know Klaus is wif you always and will help you get thwough this. The silences will lessen..I pwomise, but I know nothing any of us can say ow do can weplace all you had wif youw Klaus.
I'm so glad the suwpwise wowked . We all wanted to see youw face, but heawing about it will have to do
smoochie kisses
Asta and Mommi

Jan's Funny Farm said...

Moving under such circumstances is hard and sad. We hope you've had lots of friends and family come by to visit and to help you through this time.

Moco said...

What a wonderful way to have Klaus with you at all times, by wearing the nipple rings. It doesn't seem like an odd thing to us at all. We understand that the Pearl is a nice place to live. Just remember to take life minute by minute.

Pugsley said...

My family and I think about you everyday:) We are glad to hear that you enjoyed your surprise!!

Hang in there!!
Pugsley & Family

Hollie and Janie said...

Miss Lulu,
You are an amazing person! My mama and I think of you and Bogart everyday! We are so happy you got the package.... we've all been so excited about it!
We love you and Bogie so much!!!

Molly and Taffy said...

Hello Lulu and Bogart

We are so happy your surprise package has arrived and look forward to seeing your photos.

Molly and Taffy xx

Finni said...

So glad you received 'the package'. We didn't want to make you cry, but if it's in a good way that's ok.
Lots of Love to you and Bogart
Finni & Nelly xx

Charlie said...

Few of us know what it's like to lose so much. Thanks for sharing what you're going through, so we can be supportive in ways that you need. As Ben said, we can't fill the gap, but we're with you for the journey.

Ruby Bleu said...

As usual, I'm a few days behing :( Cleaning and moving and moving and cleaning sucks...and with everything else...I can't even imagine. Hang in there...Ruby and I are thinking of you!!!

The Pearl District is cool...I have a close friend who lives in the Pearl...I hope one day soon you will be able to find a little joy in your new 'hood.

Michele & Ruby

The Meezers said...

oh Lulu, what you are going through is so perfectly understandable. you can't expect to just pick up and move on in such a short amount of time. or even a long time. my thoughts and prayers are still with you.


caboval said...

Our darling Lulu, we are thinking of you here in San Diego! Hugs Valerie Joey and Kealani