Friday, March 06, 2009

Ashes to Ashes

Klaus is being cremated. Right now. I woke up with a start at 6:30 this morning, as he was scheduled to begin that process. Bogart and I went for a walk where we all always have - Powell Butte - and I think he was surprised that I got out of bed so quickly, with only one jump onto my chest and full face-lick.

There are so many things going through my head. So many thoughts, so many regrets. So many messages coming in from all over the world expressing love, offering stories and overwhelming grief. I cannot say if they make me feel better or worse, actually I can't say that I feel much at all. Even in my own grief I am so numb, so thinking that Klaus is going to walk in the door or that he is just in the living room watching TV.

I am the world's worst cook. Klaus is an amazing cook. I was never allowed into the kitchen, save for the few times I would enter to make myself some iced tea. Last night I was wandering around the house for about an hour, wondering how some food might magically appear on my plate and be delicious. This hasn't been too much of an issue lately as eating was not high on my list of priorities. But crying seems to burn a lot of calories so I must find a way to replace those, and in a yummy kind of way.

I spent 12 days in the ICU with Klaus. When I returned, one of the things that greeted me were a refrigerator full of spoiled food. Yes, 12 days can do a lot of damage. For several days I could not bear to even open the refrigerator, much less begin the excavation. And of course on the first day that I put on my miner's hat and got my shovel, I discovered that I did not have any garbage bags. Damn. Damn. Damn.

So there isn't much left. And most of what is here is what I have always referred to as "ingredients" - things that are not a meal on their own, but must be combined in some magical way to make delicious food. Klaus knew the combination, I alas, do not. But lo and behold, there was one thing in the freezer that I felt like I might be capable of preparing - a frozen pizza. Nature's perfect food, the one that no one should be able to destroy. Tasty? Probably not, but it should meet my need for calories if nothing else.

Long story short - I burned it. Beyond recognition. I may have to throw away the pan I cooked it on because it seems to have permanently fused to it. If Klaus were here he would be making fun of me mercilessly (and rightly so). Today I will be sure to visit a restaurant - any restaurant - where I will order food and someone will bring it to me. It's safer that way.

And Klaus will come home on Monday. In a box, but he will be home again.

Love,

Lulu

56 comments:

The Meezers said...

oh Lulu I wish that I could just be there to give you a big hug (and maybe make you some soup).

Mary

Sunny,Scooter,Jamie said...

Oh Lulu, honey. The numbness sorta protects you from going nutjob(as in a bell tower or something) It is such a long and lonely road. I only wish we COULD "make it all better". We can't. Time will help-who knows how much? different for everyone. We are just here for you. If there is anything you need that we can do from the ethernets, you know we will do it. Someone hugged me at the hospital last nite and I had to ask them to stop. Dunno if you are the same way, but it can make me "lose" it. I bet a virtual hug is ok? They are for me. ((((((((HUGS)))))))
You really have no idea how much you are helping me.(which I am sure is not your focus, but I just wanted you to know.
God, I am so sorry, Lulu.
(uh....I can send you a very simple cookbook......:) Please do eat,you are little like me, and it is easy to forget to eat. Bogie and the kitties need you healthy.
*sigh* Simetimes, things suck so much.
Jamie & Sunny&Scooter

Randi said...

Lulu & Bogart...

Again..there just are no words...I find it amazing that you still have such a way with words - a way to turn such a heavy heart into a bit of light laughter...but after all the tears have dried (at least for the hour) what else is there to do but give a bit of a chuckle...

We are sorry we didn't know Klaus...his humor must have been such a gigantic comfort...we are smiling reading your post..knowing that he's still having a chuckle at your for the burnt pizza..

We are here for you...in thoughts & prayers...

Love,
Randi & her mom

Willow the Black Dale said...

Lulu...I too am not the greatest cook in the world. That department is left to my husband Marc and my daughter Ally who he has taught to cook. I wish with all my heart I could send one of them with Willow to you. Or I would just come and sit with you in a restuarant and eat with you endlessly. I admire you for getting out of bed and trying to cook...burn the pizza. We at our house will miss Klaus but are happy to still have you and Bogart. Here at Willow's compound we are all sending our love to you both. Robin and Willow

Lynne said...

Cremains. Isn't that an odd word? It sounds like something a child would make up.
Been where you are. Still have the ashes. Hold on, life will get a little better, bit by bit. I know you don't believe me now, but it will. You have too much love, light, and laughter within you to shut down.
Give Bogart a big hug.

Asta said...

Lulu
You continue to amaze me with your strength and humor..your inner light..Klaus must be chuckling somewhere at your attempts with food..Eventhough I can cook, I'm sure, I couldn't come up with anything edible in your circumstance. it's like sleepwalking.someday, when you're ready, I'll have to tell you the nightmare of my fathers death..I thought I would never function again..but It sowly, very slowly changes..meanwhile, just sit, mumble some words and make the restaurant make your food appear..you have our love and our thoughts..Asta sends soothing smoochie kisses to you and Bogie
love
Ami

Ruby Bleu said...

Hi Lulu...
Even the best cooks would burn a pizza under your circumstances. Please hang in there and eat, please eat! Ruby and I think you you and Bogie everyday.

Lots of Love, Michele & Ruby

Lorenza said...

I am sure Klaus is having a good laugh where he is!
Yes, go to a restaurant and let them serve you a nice meal!
Take care
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Deetz said...

Bogart once told me that Arby's was the best food...you should eat there! Of course, he will probably want to come along for the ride. wink wink
Deetzy

Martha Basset said...

Lulu, there are no words that can take away your pain. I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself and Bogart. All our love x

pughy said...

Oh Lulu, Again you continue to amaze with your way with words, and I am sure you will draw comfort from that. Please eat, you need food to go on.
You will at least have as you say your beloved home. I wish I had got the chance to know you all before this happened but feel as though maybe a little I do by reading back posts.
Try to keep strong and you will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.
Huggs. GJ's mum and himself. XXX

Coco said...

Dear Lulu & Bogart,

I have wanted to leave you a comment for quite some time now. I sadly only became aware of your blog as a result of a "prayers for Klaus" link that was on a fellow bloggers page. since then, i have followed your page daily. I am so sorry that we did not meet a long time ago; yet in such a short time, my heart breaks for you. We all love you so dearly, and we all are here for you. Weather it is a shoulder to cry on, or a cooking lesson, we are all her for you and Bogart.

I understand your "numbness". I felt that when my brother died of cancer at the age of 29 (he raised me). Towards the end, he told me to keep my Rottweiler "Pasko" close to me. I did, and I don't think I could have made it through those tough times without Pasko. Keep Bogart Close, his smiling fuzzy face and butt wiggles will continue to comfort you.


You amaze me with your strength and your ability to keep going.

Tail Wiggles & Puppy Kisses,

Coco - The Princess's Mommy

Khyra The Siberian Husky said...

And when he khomes home, I think you'll find the khorrekht ingredients to make SOMETHING special fur you!

He'll guide you!

Maybe he needs a spot in the kitchen to get woo started?

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra
PeeEssWoo: I think woo will find lots of paws willing to help!

Dawn said...

Ah Lulu,

I too have only just begun to follow your blog, connected through a fellow bloger's comments about Klaus. Katie (my sheltie) and I think of you often, cry for you, and send you our best. I too have been somewhat where you are, though it's different for everyone. I didn't believe people when they said it would get better, but it does. It just takes a long time. And it's never all better, just some better. The advice to keep Bogart close is sound. He needs you as he adjusts, and he loves you and will give you comfort.

You have an amazing way with words. I know that when I was going through something like this it helped to write. Let it out, share the pain. Tiny pieces of the pain are shouldered by us all, and a bit of it is taken from your shoulders every time you tell the story. And we all want to hear the story, so don't stop telling it. The telling, over and over, will truly help. I know.

May you have some peace soon.

Abby said...

Dear, Lulu...

We are one of your recent followers, too...We think of you & pray for you everyday...

We are in awe of your strength & ability to still find the humor of everyday life in the midst of this very devastating experience for you...You are truly an inspiration...

Take care of yourself...Hug Bogart alot & know that you are in our prayers...

Abby & her Mom xxxooo

Laurie, Woo's Editor said...

I was surprised and saddened to hear about your loss. A constant inspiration with his projects and crafty solutions especially in the kitchen-- it is no wonder your cooking skills are atrophied, your writing on the other hand is hilarious and deeply moving and beautiful.
Our most sincere condolences,
Laurie and Winnie Woo

Daniella said...

It really upsets me to hear you have no food at home. That you have to worry about feeding yourself so soon after Klaus's passing. It worries me that you don't blog about friends and support system - family and friends - you sound so alone that I want to hop on a plane and come to help you in any way. In my culture, Jewish, providing meals for mourners is very much ingrained. If someone passes, people don't send flowers, they send pre-cooked, homemade meals so that people numb with grief don't have to think about cooking, only eating. I am so sorry this doesn't seem the case here. So do go to restaurants, just make sure you are getting some sustenance. If you don't feel like eating, buy some Ensure chocolate milkshakes, they are good and are meal replacements. I drank them when I had no appetite.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Lulu. I wish I could do more.

Dani and Ax

Jan's Funny Farm said...

That numbness helps one cope during such a time. But you're right, you need to eat and take care of yourself and Bogart.

There are no words to make you feel better, but folks want you to know how much they care and so they -- we all leave messages.

Maggie and Mitch said...

How we wish we lived closer, Lulu! Our dad is famous for his chicken soup and spaghetti sauce, not in the same night!
You really need to eat to keep up your strength! We pray for you day and night! You and Bogie are always in our thoughts!

Love ya lots,
Sue, Maggie and Mitch

Noah the Airedale said...

Hey Lulu
I'm sitting here reading this post imaging Klaus watching you cook that pizza and saying ok Lulu take it out of the oven.....NOW.
I've got an idea, I can send you over a timer matie. I've got a spare.
I was wondering how Bogart was going? It must be so strange for him too.

Denise Noah Willow Tess Lucy xxxx

Willie and Waylon said...

Dear Lulu:
We have always enjoyed your blog. Your writing of your trauma and loss are so precise to what my family went through last year. We too were literally left holding the bag of "stuff" after my dad's passing, just looking at each other saying now what? What do we do with his glasses and dentures? I am not a brilliant writer - your words expressed many thoughts and emotions I have experienced and not able to write.
I wish there was something I could say or do to "make things better" - I am still getting acquainted with the beast called grief. It visits me now at the most off the wall times..places I never thought it would effect me.
Hugs, kisses, toddler mess, and Boston Terrier kisses to you and your pups & cats.

Jennifer, Lauren, Willie, and Waylon

Jeannie - Marvin's Mama said...

Dearest Lulu,

because I know I have with my "beloved one", a love like yours and Klaus...........I am heartbroken to read your post. Totally heartbroken.

HE will be home, his love, his total Klaus "ness" will stay with you forever, until eternity. My heart breaks for you Lulu, totally breaks.

My tears are falling as I write this comment.

I have no wise words to offer, nothing, just my total heart wishes, and if I could save Time In a Bottle...........


"If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with"

May your God go with you, through this dark time.

Jeannie in Scotland (sorry although I have never met you, I followed Bogart's blog for a long time).......

Lady Kaos said...

If we lived closer I'd send Mom to your house to cook whatever you wanted (except fish, it looks like your pizza when she cooks fish). I'm sending some more love and hugs to you and Bogart every day!
Kaos

Jeannie! said...

oh yes, I am quite a good cook, I could come and cook for you, just like Lady Kaos's Mum, except I am no good at frozen pizzas, always burn the bloody things!

Jeannie xxxxxxxx many warm Scottish Hugs to you sweet girl.........and Bogart xxxxxxxxx

Sally and Rufus said...

Momma sucks in the kitchen too! But she can find the treat cabinet which is most important.
We think you should open the yellow pages and order. Greek, Italian, Chinese, Sushi, Afganie(really hummy)...Live it up until you feel like shopping at a grocery store.
XOX
Sally and Rufus

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

Oh Lulu,

Reading your words, and how one tries to be strong, takes me back to that week after Mike died and how adrift I felt. Your friend is right, that this numbness is sort of a protection of sorts.

My days then felt like your, aimless, feeling like flotsam after a tsunami. But with tasks that need to be done, that keep saying "He's not coming back".

The things Mike did, that I still don't keep up with like he did-ironing, dishes, yardwork. Two things that surprised me is that I didn't lose any weight and I slept hard when I slept. I never quite understood that and it might seem funny, but I felt it was Mike's way of caring for me.

I too, can remember leaving the hospital with my bag of Mikes things and feeling like the only person there that day that was leaving without their loved one. That was another transition very hard for me too.

Klaus was so handsome, and reading the words to "Your Eyes" made me emotional, just as I still am when I hear Eric Claptons "You Look Wonderful Tonight" the song we picked to dance first to at our wedding. Those memories will always be there for you Lulu, to remind you how your time together cannot be measured in hours or days but in intensity and love.

Your life and routine with Bogart now will help you through these awful days. I know my cats helped me, forced me to care for them when at times I just wanted to pull a blanket over me and let someone else take care of things.

I am blogging now because of Mike, and he would be happy for me being where I am today. I am not as happy as I would have been with him still beside me, but I am still putting one paw in front of the other.

Morgan in Pittsburgh said...

It will be better when he comes home... My mom can't cook either. But we still get really yummy stuff. You have to find a grocery store that sells prepared food,like Whole Foods, or Trader Joes, and if its not fancy enogh you can "doctor it up a little" to make it more special. And the microwave - you must learn to use that, and a good sized toaster oven, that will be sufficient to start.. maybe you will like cooking and it will turn into a hobby - never did for my mom, though..
Your pal, Morgan

Finni said...

Lulu, your new life has begun. We love the way you are able to put your feelings into words.
How is your boy?
Love
Elke, Finni and Nelly xxx

Alasandra said...

Lulu and Bogart you are in our thoughts. Bogart you are lucky you eat dog food that Lulu doesn't have to cook from the sound of things. ~Socks, Scylla, Charybdis, Fenris & Alasandra

Joe Stains said...

I wish I could send my Mom over to cook something for you. She'd love to help out and send over some simple recipes if you ever want to give cooking a whirl. We are glad Klaus will be home with you guys soon.

Dughallmor Beagles said...

Sobbing and giggling at the same time....you have such a beautifully funny way with words, we love reading them even though they are filled with such sadness. You'll feel better once Klaus is home again, you'll chat with him and he'll laugh at your cooking!
Wish we could send you and Bogie a big pot of broth, instead we send you our love, hugs, prayers and slobbers xx

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about you cremating your pizza.
Chin up. Oh, screw that. Cry if you want to. You're entitled.

Agatha and Archie said...

We all wish we could cook something for you Lulu......so go to the restaruarant and let them cook for you and serve you and do the cleaning up..when you are ready you will......Diana A+A

Stanley said...

Sweet Lulu!

If you haven't checked your email lately, please do. I've left something special for you.

ALso, please smooch my Bogart Bud on his big schnoz for me, okay?

Goober love & smooches,
Stanley

♪Tobi♪ said...

lulu,

i wanna come and give you a nice, big hug. you need to get some quick n easy foods like...............salads?............precooked chicken from the groceries!! mmmm.... my mommy wants to come on over and make you sushi n soup!!

Molly and Taffy said...

Lulu we hope by now you have had a lovely meal at your chosen restaurant and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Our hooman compares pizzas to a suacepan of milk! When you watch it nothing happens, walk away and they boil over/burn.

Needless to say we have had a few burnt offerings on our house! The burnt edges .... we are sure Bogart would love them!

Take care.

Molly and Taffy.

PS. Woofs to Bogart.

Quinvale AstaLaVista Baby said...

G'day LuLu and Bogart,

Mum and I awe so sorry for your loss. Mum just arrived home Monday mowning and had to teach Monday aftewnoon, then wowk evwyday and now she has a cold. We'we sowy this is late. Mum lost both of hew pawents and knows fwom experience there is nothing to say, nothing to bring your beloved Klaus back, but we're here fow you whenever you want to talk and whatever you want to talk about. Dad does all of our cooking, so we know how you feel without Klaus there to cook and care for you. There's something special and comforting about a loved one cooking a meal. Grief is a difficult thing, it comes in waves. Please try to stay positive and just ride it out. All of your friends are hewe fow you.

xxx Asta (oz) and Louise (Melbourne)

BenTheRotti said...

Lulu & Bogart,

we wish we were closer so we could do something practical and feed you! We don't have the magical words to make you feel any less numb, any less heartbroken.. or to make you feel anything, sadly because there are none. Nothing we can say or do will make the slightest difference. Sadly grief is something no-one can help along no matter how good the intention.
I do hope that nothing we have said has made it worse, thats the best we can hope for now.
Hug Bogart for us, Hug Bogart for you. We love you and if there is anything at all that you need there are a million paws/hands waiting to provide it.

love and hugs

Sue,T, Mollie, Lilli & Ben xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Painter Pack said...

Food is not something my mommy is good at either. Did woo know that an entire meal can be made of mac & cheese? Woo are strong, Lulu...and Bogie will help woo to cook. And whatever else woo might need.

Mya Boo Boo

The Airechicks said...

Lulu & Bogart & Kitties:

Good days - bad days - just days.

Cereal works - just have to get the organic milk - doesn't spoil so quick...

The grocery store is going to be a hard place - don't go alone - you'll need distraction....

Klaus will be so glad to be where he belongs with his family...

Please remember you don't have to be strong every minute of everyday - we LOVE You & Bogart & Kitties.

Wish we could make the hurt go away.....

XXOooXXoooXXoo

Chef said...

Dearest Lulu, if I lived nearby I too would be at your door with hot nourishing meals and hugs. Sounds like if all us DWBers lived near you, you'd never have to worry about cooking again! Restaurants sounds like a great idea. Also stop by a market and stock up on fresh fruits, vegs and nuts to graze on in between. Try to stay rested and nourished as you organize your life. As always, we're all here to cheer you on. .

Linda & Chef

the 4 Bs said...

we are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. please don't forget to feed Bogie, okay? and you can visit the deli section in your grocery store for some pre-cooked foods for you. stay strong and know that lots of pups and peeps are thinking of you with love and support.

woofs.

serenitybb said...

Dear Lulu & Bogart,

We are so sorry to hear about Klaus..

Our condolences~ Stay strong!!

Love licks,
Ebi & Emma

Asta said...

Deaw Lulu And Bogie
We'we just stopping by to give you some hugses and smoochie kisses to hold you fow the day..I hope you found some eatables..pleeaz take cawe of youwself.
Klaus will help you
smoochie kisses
ASTA and Mommi

MONA AND THE MOMMY! said...

Hi Boggie and Lulu,

Mommy is so happy that Klaus is coming home. Samantha is still with us and it is very comforting for Mommy to have her here. When Samantha first went to the bridge Mommy kept Samantha's ashes in her beautiful velvet box with her at night. The family said she was crazy but the Mommy didn't care what they thought because Samantha was her baby. Klaus will be there looking out for his two loves for eternity as my sister is for my Mommy. Words are never easy so when Mommy saw the song Marvin's Mom posted on your blog's comments, she thought to share it with everybody on DWB tonight to show the love the three of you shared. We love you and our thoughts and prayers still are with you today and as long as you need us.

Love Mona & Sarah (Mommy)

Dino and Family said...

Yeah! Eat out or takeaway, get pampered and don't have to bother cleaning up the kitchen later on! You need to be strong and healthy, so pig out! Thinking of you everyday too! Love, Dino

Baby Rocket Dog and Hootie said...

Dropping by to send Bogie and mommy Lulu some Airekisses and Welshie hugs, BabyRD & Hootie

ps-Also wanted to let you know my reverse soul patch has finally grown completely back.When you called it that our mommy laughed like a nut! love,Hootie

Lillie Valentine said...

We continue to think of you and pray for you during this difficult time.

Rambo said...

Klaus' angel is having a good laugh. Hang in there....time heals all wounds.
love,
Rambo, MM & G-Mom

DogzRock! said...

Hey you seem like great dogs and I would love it if we could follow each other,what do you think Love Travis xx

Kess And Her Mama said...

Hi Lulu, You don't know me but you don't have to. That's the amazing thing about being part of DWB. I'm so sorry for your loss. I said a prayer for you. May you find peace in your time of grief.

Petey said...

Hi Lulu,

Just checking in - without a doubt, this has been the longest, toughest week of your life. It will get better, I promise you.

Wish we could help with the cooking, but once when I was sick with a stomach ache, Mommy made rice for me and I wouldn't eat it. I eat cat poopies, but I wouldn't touch her rice!

Your pal,

Petey (and his Mommy)

Dannan and The Girl said...

Lulu and Bogart, we are so sorry to hear of the loss of your dearest Klaus. Dannan is howling to Heaven for him, and we wish we could help the two of you heal.

Hugs from me, Brown Dog Kisses from Dannan,
Lindsay (The Girl) and Dannan

OhMy said...

Lulu & Bogie,

Cooking is overrated. Just go out and get good food. Then you don't have to put up with the vicious go to the store, pick it out, take it home, clean it, put it up, take it out, prepare it, eat it, put it back up, clean the dishes, and wipe the counter. Whew, I'm exhausted just thinking about all the work.

Hope you have a better week, and I do hope you are not along, well, besides Bogie and the kitties.

Love,
Cisco Kid Airehead Terror Extrodinaire & humans

Sue said...

Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you and sending warm wishes your way.

NORWOOD UNLEASHED said...

Simply put.. you are amazingly eloquent and admirable through out this entire hardship and loss. We are learning alot thru your posts in addition to feeling the experience.. one we wish to never feel. Thank you for your disclosure and brutal honesty.

Norwood